OFFICIAL SNACK REPORT
Sanctioned By WASAW Snack Committee
Reviewed By: Kid Nougat Location: Tony's Quik-Stop, Bronx NY OFFICIAL NAME OF SNACK: WEIGHT: 2.12 oz. DESCRIPTION OF SNACK: SSI RATING (SNACK SATISFACTION INDEX - 1-10): 8.3* |
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UPSIDE:
They pack more flaming flavor than salsa (without all the mess), and make their mark without lingering too long or overstaying their welcome (like "Big Red" gum). Also, they're so spicy, they force you to follow THE GOLDEN SNACKING RULE.**
DOWNSIDE:
There's a specific kind of pleasure in finishing off an entire box of a particular snack. Hot Tamales deny you this pleasure. You have to pace yourself. Too many too fast? You could start a forest fire by belching. Additionally, candies in a box just naturally lend themselves to being chugged - tip that box back and load up your mouth, baby! The Tamales deny you this pleasure as well. Too many in your mouth at once? You'll wind up looking like Heat Miser from "The Year Without a Santa Claus." For a visual of Kid Nougat chewing a Tamale, rent "The Professional" (starring Jean Reno and Natalie Portman) and watch how hopped-up cop Gary Oldman pops his pills.
1ST 4 INGREDIENTS:
Sugar
Corn Syrup
Modified Food Starch
Sodium Citrate
LAST 4 INGREDIENTS:
Pectin
Citric Acid
Corn Protein Glaze (get hip - cool snackers ask, "Any CPG, dude?")
Artificial Flavors
PACKAGING:
Quite serviceable. There's a New Mexican cactus thing happening, and a smiling sun - complete with yellow pompadour and slammin' shades. Gets you in the mood, am I wrong?
DO I RECOMMEND YOU TRY THIS YOURSELF? (YES/NO - EXPLAIN):
Most definitely, unless you're also eating a chili pepper. That combo might fry your tongue.
CAN YOU REARRANGE THE LETTERS OF THIS SNACK TO SPELL "HEATS A LOT, M!"***
Yes.
HOW CAN THE PRODUCT BE IMPROVED?
The "Hot" in Hot Tamales should be underlined. And italicized. And bolded.
* As this rating was assigned, Mike Piazza of the
New York Mets smacked a dramatic homer in the bottom of the 8th inning against
the Florida Marlins to tie Hubie Brooks as the Mets' all-time hitting streak
leader (24 games).
** ALWAYS SHARE YOUR SNACKS.
*** Okay, the extra "M" kind of ruins what
I was going for, but hey, I took a shot!
